Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 23):
Much of your furniture will be reduced to a pile of smoldering ashes when your pet dragon gets a severe case of the hiccups.
Scorpio (Oct. 24 - Nov. 21):
Eat an entire box of Kellogs Pop Tarts® as an excuse to call that sexy new 1-800-DENTIST operator. Remember to forget to brush after each meal.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21):
Life will continue along its blissful course until someone tells the world about that secret, hidden sexual problem of yours-- Oops, sorry about that.
Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19):
Spend the day reflecting up the immortal words of Janis Joplin: "I don't understand why half the world is still crying, man, when the other half the world is still crying too, man." It's thinking like that that made the 60's great.
Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18):
Relations with a new lover may come to an abrupt halt when you discover that your mate was born during the Reagan Administration. That'll teach you to answer personals in Mad Magazine.
Pisces (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20):
Nothing interesting will happen to you this week when your beloved astrologer decides to go to bed early.