Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 23):
A terrible headache and a hastily made promise to God will force you to name your first born child "Advil".
Scorpio (Oct. 24 - Nov. 21):
Now is the perfect time to get that nipple pierced!
Sagittarius (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21):
While strolling along a warm, sandy beach, you will uncover a mystical and benevolant genie. In return for his release, you will be rewarded with your single greatest desire: A large bowl of chili cheese fries.
Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19):
You can't shake that nagging feeling that you've let your one true love pass you by. Remember, you're an adult now, so you should handle it as one. Bourbon always works well.
Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18):
You will relive fond childhood memories when you become an unwitting participant in a real-life game of Cops and Robbers.
Pisces (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20):
A pleasant surprise may be in your future this week.