Your Future Controlled

Aries (Mar. 21 - Apr. 19):
For years, people have told you to "just be yourself". Weren't these the same people who told you to believe in the Tooth Fairy? A new you is the only way to a new you.

Taurus (Apr. 20 - May 20):
Good luck will turn to bad when you are dealt your third consecutive Full House in a not-so-friendly game of poker

Gemini (May 21 - June 21):
Pining over lost love will get you nowhere. Stalking is much more effective.

Cancer (June 22 - July 22):
Kind gestures will be greatly rewarded this week. Why not give oral sex to that special Pisces?

Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22):
If your birthday is this week: You're reading the wrong horoscope.

Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22):
They can see you. They read your every thought and desire. Soon, they will control you. A tin foil hat is your only hope for survival.

Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 23):
A terrible headache and a hastily made promise to God will force you to name your first born child "Advil".

Scorpio (Oct. 24 - Nov. 21):
Now is the perfect time to get that nipple pierced!

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21):
While strolling along a warm, sandy beach, you will uncover a mystical and benevolant genie. In return for his release, you will be rewarded with your single greatest desire: A large bowl of chili cheese fries.

Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19):
You can't shake that nagging feeling that you've let your one true love pass you by. Remember, you're an adult now, so you should handle it as one. Bourbon always works well.

Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18):
You will relive fond childhood memories when you become an unwitting participant in a real-life game of Cops and Robbers.

Pisces (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20):
A pleasant surprise may be in your future this week.