Your Life Given Meaning

Aries (Mar. 21 - Apr. 19):
Jacks become an important facet of your life. You will buy the gold collector's edition and play it nighly from fivesies all the way through eightzies. With practice, you will make the Olympics.

Taurus (Apr. 20 - May 20):
Your psychology experiment goes awry when you leave the midget in the fridge too long. Now you'll never know if the light really turns off. Tonight: Eat out.

Gemini (May 21 - June 21):
Your anniversary gift of edible underwear backfires when you find out that your partner is allergic to fruitcake. All is not lost, though: You've still got those tickets to Brady Bunch on Ice.

Cancer (June 22 - July 22):
You finally have to admit you have no life when you realize that you've named all of your plants. Remember not to seat Walter next to Exedor at the dinner table. You know how he gets.

Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22):
It's been a particularly dry season for your Ride 'em and Roast 'em Rodeo Rib joint. The market for deep-fried bull just isn't what it used to be. Raffle off a new Jerkey machine. This weekend: Giddyap!

Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22):
Your sense of humor may be in question. Do you think Saturday Night Live is funny? Is Zeppo your favorite Marx Brother? Do you expect to make people laugh merely by saying, "monkey"? If you answered yes to any of these questions, seek professional help.

Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 23):
Your entire collection of Cap'n Crunch toy surprises fall on you when you open the closet. The toxic glowy stuff gives you the ability to communicate with ferns. Not only do you get a guest spot on Springer, but it also makes a great ice breaker at parties.

Scorpio (Oct. 24 - Nov. 21):
To get rid of that pesky blemish, apply a generous helping of toothpaste. If that doesn't work, try a different brand of toothbrush. It still might not go away, but at least it will be minty fresh.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21):
You lose that track meet, you never get visited by The Great Pumpkin, and that readhead is still ignoring you. At least you still have the comfort of your favorite shirt. This weekend: Drop back and punt.

Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19):
That map of Australia comes in handy when you get on the wrong bus. Luckily, you paid careful attention to all of those Foster's commercials, so you blend in easily with the natives.

Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18):
Though your parents will emphatically deny it, you are really adopted. Even more shocking is your real name. Though, I can't tell you what it is, I can predict that dating's going to be a lot tougher.

Pisces (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20):
What is this fascination with monkeys? It just isn't normal. You should really get some help, you know. Several self help books and support groups are available.