Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 23):
Your entire collection of Cap'n Crunch toy surprises fall on you when you open the closet. The toxic glowy stuff gives you the ability to communicate with ferns. Not only do you get a guest spot on Springer, but it also makes a great ice breaker at parties.
Scorpio (Oct. 24 - Nov. 21):
To get rid of that pesky blemish, apply a generous helping of toothpaste. If that doesn't work, try a different brand of toothbrush. It still might not go away, but at least it will be minty fresh.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21):
You lose that track meet, you never get visited by The Great Pumpkin, and that readhead is still ignoring you. At least you still have the comfort of your favorite shirt. This weekend: Drop back and punt.
Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19):
That map of Australia comes in handy when you get on the wrong bus. Luckily, you paid careful attention to all of those Foster's commercials, so you blend in easily with the natives.
Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18):
Though your parents will emphatically deny it, you are really adopted. Even more shocking is your real name. Though, I can't tell you what it is, I can predict that dating's going to be a lot tougher.
Pisces (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20):
What is this fascination with monkeys? It just isn't normal. You should really get some help, you know. Several self help books and support groups are available.