Tune Up Your Life

Horoscopes by Tony DelPino, a REAL LIVE auto mechanic

Tony DelPino, Auto Mechanic

Aries (Mar. 21 - Apr. 19):
Keeping a relationship alive's like adjusting a carb on a '57 Bel Air: You make it too rich, and you're gonna sputter. Make it too lean, and you're gonna stall out. Moderation is the key.

Taurus (Apr. 20 - May 20):
You've been having a lot of problems with that ride you've got back home. It doesn't always want to turn over, and even when it does, it doesn't seem to handle as well as it used to. Perhaps it's time to go out and get a rental.

Gemini (May 21 - June 21):
You're not fooling anyone with all that body work you've had done.

Cancer (June 22 - July 22):
It's no wonder you're going through brake pads like crazy. I mean, your whole life is like Stop! Go! Stop! Decide what you want and make up your mind for Chrissakes.

Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22):
You've tried and tried to make things work. You've gotten to a point where you've rebuilt it as many times as possible. Sometimes it's just best to throw it away and get a new one.

Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22):
For years, you've been wondering what's going wrong with your life, but you never bother to look deep within yourself. The only way to find the problem is to take everything apart, fix it, and put it back together.

Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 23):
It's no wonder you're having trouble satisfying your partner. The human body's a delicate piece of machinery. You rush in there, blindly throwing your tools around, and you'll end up causing more problems than you fix. A gentle touch is key.

Scorpio (Oct. 24 - Nov. 21):
You're trying to get things moving too quickly. It's no wonder every relationship of yours stalls out. Relax, and ease into things slowly. You'll get moving much more smoothly.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21):
Don't worry about those few minor knocks and pings in your relationship. After all, you two have travelled down many long roads together over many years, so you can't expect things to run as smoothly as when things were new.

Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19):
The reason for your fear of stick shifts is obvious to everyone but you.

Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18):
You've always thought of yourself as a Ferrari, and have expected everyone to treat you like one. Nobody can live up to those expecations. The sooner you realize that you're a Dodge, just like everyone else, the sooner you'll be happy.

Pisces (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20):
Need some extra cash? There's lots of people lookin' for a little fix on the side, if you know what I mean.