Your Future Predictiated

This week's horoscopes were brought to you by the letters J&B, and by the number 151.

Aries (Mar. 21 - Apr. 19):
Dr. Sigmund Freud, Father of Modern Psychology, will appear to you in a dream this week. In it, he will remind you that even he thinks you're obsessed with sex.

Taurus (Apr. 20 - May 20):
Affairs with the Milkman just aren't the same now that he no longer delivers.

Gemini (May 21 - June 21):
Many people remember what it was like during those confusing early teenage years, when you felt awkward, unaccepted, and didn't know where you'd fit in. You, however, are in the unique position to experience these fond memories well into your 40's.

Cancer (June 22 - July 22):
College drinking games will be revolutionized when you combine a Twister mat, a Rubik's Cube, and a pair of pornographic dice.

Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22):
An unexpected lovers quarrel may upset an otherwise stable romance. Perhaps that Weight Watchers certificate wasn't the best anniversary gift.

Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22):
You will tap into the lucrative "drunken art critic" market when you unveil your plans for Vincent Van Gogh brand gin. Picasso daiquaris may just put your kids through college.

Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 23):
Childhood dreams of becomming a famous rock star may fade away when your mother forces you to quit your accordion lessons.

Scorpio (Oct. 24 - Nov. 21):
Though you are alike in every other way, communication with a dear friend may be shaken when you discover that, while you use :) , your counterpart prefers :-) Many would consider this an irreconcilable difference, but you must strive to work past it.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21):
An unexpected act of kindness by a complete stranger may brighten your day. Return the favor with pornography, the gift that keeps on giving.

Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19):
The vapours of time are passing you by. Soon, you will be another year older and you have yet to fulfill your life's dream. Let nobody stand in the way your dream of being a zambonie driver.

Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18):
You've been fooling yourself for too long. Move on with your life and stop worrying about what will never be. You know as well as I do that Science can't produce a diet soda that tastes as good as the original.

Pisces (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20):
Your love of nature will be rewarded when The Monkeys elect you as their leader. Soon, you will be showered with riches and bananas beyond your wildest imagination. Use your new powers wisely.