Your Future Told

Aries (Mar. 21 - Apr. 19):
You will be swiftly escorted from NBC after pitching a new series starring Tony Danza. What the hell were you thinking?

Taurus (Apr. 20 - May 20):
The problem with the annoying co-worker will soon be remedied. This weekend: Get out the classifieds.

Gemini (May 21 - June 21):
Soon the sound of sleigh bells will fill your life. That will teach you to watch infomercials drunk.

Cancer (June 22 - July 22):
Eat nothing but Taco Bell in an attempt to win the local "Bowl Your Weight" competition.

Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22):
Your new neighbor seems a bit too friendly. Make sure you keep your distance. Tonight: let someone else pick up the soap.

Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22):
You can't shake the feeling that you are seated next to the fat person in the airline seat of life.

Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 23):
Life getting a bit too hectic? Close the door, turn out the lights, and relax to the smooth sounds of Steely Dan. The warm, gentle glow of a lava lamp complements the mood.

Scorpio (Oct. 24 - Nov. 21):
The respect of your friends may be lost after you win second prize in a duel.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21):
You will likely reincarnate as a toilet brush after stealing the last parking space from a handicapped nun.

Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19):
A trip to the insane asylum may be in your future after spending an entire week watching "Decision 2000" election specials.

Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18):
Having a hard time ignoring the voices you keep hearing? Try wire cutters.

Pisces (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20):
The infinite secrets of the universe will become known to you after a freak accident involving a lightning storm and a Magic 8 Ball.