Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 23):
Life getting a bit too hectic? Close the door, turn out the lights, and relax to the smooth sounds of Steely Dan. The warm, gentle glow of a lava lamp complements the mood.
Scorpio (Oct. 24 - Nov. 21):
The respect of your friends may be lost after you win second prize in a duel.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21):
You will likely reincarnate as a toilet brush after stealing the last parking space from a handicapped nun.
Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19):
A trip to the insane asylum may be in your future after spending an entire week watching "Decision 2000" election specials.
Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18):
Having a hard time ignoring the voices you keep hearing? Try wire cutters.
Pisces (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20):
The infinite secrets of the universe will become known to you after a freak accident involving a lightning storm and a Magic 8 Ball.