Your REAL Horoscopes

By a REAL person posing as an astrologer

This Week: Need some extra insight into your life? Have burning questions about love, career, or personal hygiene? Why not try a custom tailored, personalized, online horoscope? It's easy: Just send your question, along with your name, shoe size, and favorite Beatles song to your Beloved Astrologer. Within no time, he will personally determine your fate.

Aries (Mar. 21 - Apr. 19):
Thanksgiving time is upon us. Though we often tend to forget, it's important to remember what makes this holiday so very special: Spending time with the foods we love most.

Taurus (Apr. 20 - May 20):
That cushy desk job has left you with the cardiovascular system of a 5 pack-a-day smoker. Don't worry: A rigorous program of one night stands followed by the occasional flee from an angry spouse is just the thing to whip you back into shape.

Gemini (May 21 - June 21):
Your low tolerance for alcohol will become known to all when you show up to that big presentation wearing only a belt. Weren't you supposed to picture the audience naked?

Cancer (June 22 - July 22):
It is rare that the stars are so clear. However, I cannot help but see a new romance in your close future. You two will be the perfect match, with similar interests, tastes, and looks. With a little careful planning, your current flame need never know.

Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22):
Timing is everything. What good is having the perfect idea if it comes 5 minutes too late? Waste no time and be the first to market you life long plans for edible furniture.

Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22):
Sometimes, progress may seem like just the opposite. Never will this become more apparent to you than when your favorite biker bar gets bought out by Starbucks. On the plus side, the nonfat mochachinos will remain just as tasty as they always were.

Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 23):
If only you were a bit dumber, you'd have a much easier time dating. It's less threatening, and frankly, it's what people want. Practice staring blankly in front of a mirror with a dull, vacant grin, and you'll be getting lucky before you know it.

Scorpio (Oct. 24 - Nov. 21):
Why wait until the middle of Winter to have your seasonal fun? Leaf Men not only provide the same challenge and enjoyment of their snowy counterparts, but are also lighter and more portable.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21):
Tired of feeling dull, ordinary, and just like everyone else? Why not develop an exotic sounding fake accent? Telling people you emigrated from Yemen is just the way to make you sound more interesting than you really are.

Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19):
You will be permanently branded with the phrase "Born To Raise Mel" after a poorly timed sneeze at your local tattoo parlor.

Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18):
Childhood dreams of being a rich, famous bartender may come to fruition when you decide to secretly replace Bombay Sapphire Gin with ordinary blue water. Pocket the difference and you'll be lounging on a warm Caribbean beach in no time.

Pisces (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20):
Though it's common to think about baseball during intercourse, your partner asked me to tell you that the play-by-play commentary is just creepy.