Aries (Mar. 21 - Apr. 19):
You are often unsatified with your current lot in life. You have the passion to strive forward and better yourself. Intense efforts may soon be rewarded with a nervous breakdown.
Taurus (Apr. 20 - May 20):
Take control of your life, rather than waiting idly for Destiny to guide you. Life can be in your complete control... at least until next Thursday, when Fate will strike you with a small meteor.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21):
Play the Hair soundtrack repeatedly until your roommate is forced into an insane asylum. That'll teach 'em to hog the bathroom, eh?
Cancer (June 22 - July 22):
Your current state of sexual frustration may soon come to an end. Lowered expectations are all that stand between you and a potential mate.
Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22):
A sloppy, disorderly lifestyle makes you the perfect candididate for a career in politics. A management position at Microsoft also figures prominently.
Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22):
Your dull, unispired name is the cause of all your dating problems. Change that name to Tiffini Longlegs or Thor D. Redwood and become the love machine you've always dreamed of being.