Your REAL Horoscopes

By a REAL person posing as an astrologer

This Week: Your beloved astrologer would like to celebrate National Olive Appreciation Week by drinking several large martinis.

Aries (Mar. 21 - Apr. 19):
You are often unsatified with your current lot in life. You have the passion to strive forward and better yourself. Intense efforts may soon be rewarded with a nervous breakdown.

Taurus (Apr. 20 - May 20):
Take control of your life, rather than waiting idly for Destiny to guide you. Life can be in your complete control... at least until next Thursday, when Fate will strike you with a small meteor.

Gemini (May 21 - June 21):
Play the Hair soundtrack repeatedly until your roommate is forced into an insane asylum. That'll teach 'em to hog the bathroom, eh?

Cancer (June 22 - July 22):
Your current state of sexual frustration may soon come to an end. Lowered expectations are all that stand between you and a potential mate.

Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22):
A sloppy, disorderly lifestyle makes you the perfect candididate for a career in politics. A management position at Microsoft also figures prominently.

Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22):
Your dull, unispired name is the cause of all your dating problems. Change that name to Tiffini Longlegs or Thor D. Redwood and become the love machine you've always dreamed of being.

Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 23):
You have recently had to give up something very important to you. Ease your feelings of withdrawal by substituting something new whenever temptation strikes. Opium can often work wonders.

Scorpio (Oct. 24 - Nov. 21):
A natural gas leak in your kitchen will allow you to realize your childhood dream of travelling to the moon.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21):
Remember: Just because you are naked doesn't mean you can't go out rollerblading.

Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19):
You enjoy open conversation and take comfort in the gratification of others. Put these talents to good use by becoming a phone sex operator.

Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18):
Express your financial independence by asking your parents for a raise in your allowence. They will be impressed by your initiative.

Pisces (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20):
An enclosed area is an excellent place to meet your ideal mate. Spend the weekend riding the elevators in a local high rise... yeah, like you had anything better to do.