Your REAL Horoscopes

By a REAL person posing as an astrologer

This Week: Any similarities between predictions made in these horoscopes and actual events is purely coincidental.

Aries (Mar. 21 - Apr. 19):
Show prospective employers your creativity by submitting resumes written entirely in crayon. Burnt Umber always makes a good impression.

Taurus (Apr. 20 - May 20):
As you walk along the Sidewalk of Stability, beware the Banana Peel of Surprise.

Gemini (May 21 - June 21):
Cave in to your patriotic urges by depicting Great American Presidents on your toenails. Polk makes an excellent pinky toe.

Cancer (June 22 - July 22):
Whoever said, "Time heals all wounds" never envisioned what's going to happen to you next week.

Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22):
Greenpeace will praise your efforts when you unveil a revolutionary new banana recycling plan.

Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22):
You will be visited by the ghost of Ringo Starr, who will give you sagelike advice about love, career, and personal fullfillment. This encounter might not be so creepy if it weren't for the fact that he isn't actually dead.

Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 23):
California's the place you oughta be, so pack up your bags and move to Beverly.

Scorpio (Oct. 24 - Nov. 21):
Your plans to conquer the Earth will be foiled when that damned rabbit steals your Aludium Q238 Explosive Space Modulator.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21):
Financial independence and sound judgement can be avoided when you be against the Harlem Globetrotters.

Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19):
You can remain a healthy, productive member of society as long as nobody mentions the word 'mattress'. Oops.

Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18):
Amuse yourself and friends by trying to write checks at 7-Eleven. Junk food tastes much better when you don't pay cash.

Pisces (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20):
Lack of decent transportation is putting a crimp in your style. Get a flashy new car and buy the popularity you deserve.