Aries (Mar. 21 - Apr. 19):
Though he will vehemently deny it, your new acquaintance is actually a Russian spy sent to add vodka to Mom's recipe for apple pie. Don't turn him in, as family dinners will be much easier if he succeeds.
Taurus (Apr. 20 - May 20):
A court order from the Board of Health will convince you that it is finally time to do your laundry.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21):
It's time to speed things up with your new relationship. Make your move now before it's too late. First dates are no fun if you both need false teeth.
Cancer (June 22 - July 22):
In a dream, you will be visited by the image of Margaret Thatcher. Heed her advice and join her new Crumpet of the Month club.
Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22):
Fame and fortune can be yours if you mail this horoscope to 10 people within three days. This horoscope has been around the world five times-- do not break the chain.
Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22):
Why bother with the boredom of everyday office life? Sell your cubicle and amass a fortune playing keno in Vegas.