Your REAL Horoscopes

By a REAL person posing as an astrologer

If Your Birthday Is This Week: Your sexual and nutritional desires will both be fulfilled when your lover buys you a twelve-pack of edible underwear.

Aries (Mar. 21 - Apr. 19):
Though he will vehemently deny it, your new acquaintance is actually a Russian spy sent to add vodka to Mom's recipe for apple pie. Don't turn him in, as family dinners will be much easier if he succeeds.

Taurus (Apr. 20 - May 20):
A court order from the Board of Health will convince you that it is finally time to do your laundry.

Gemini (May 21 - June 21):
It's time to speed things up with your new relationship. Make your move now before it's too late. First dates are no fun if you both need false teeth.

Cancer (June 22 - July 22):
In a dream, you will be visited by the image of Margaret Thatcher. Heed her advice and join her new Crumpet of the Month club.

Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22):
Fame and fortune can be yours if you mail this horoscope to 10 people within three days. This horoscope has been around the world five times-- do not break the chain.

Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22):
Why bother with the boredom of everyday office life? Sell your cubicle and amass a fortune playing keno in Vegas.

Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 23):
You've been a productive member of society for too long. Look at yourself-- it's gotten you nowhere. Quit your job, confine yourself to your home, and communicate using only e-mail or sock puppets.

Scorpio (Oct. 24 - Nov. 21):
You will be institutionalized after explaining your theory of how Wile E. Coyote shot Kennedy in a blundered attempt to catch the Road Runner.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21):
While playing in the Bowling Alley of Life, you will knock over the Ten Pin of Love.

Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19):
You will be sentenced to 10 to 20 years after hijacking a horse drawn carriage.

Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18):
An incorrect guess on your leaf recognition final ruins your chances of ever becoming a National Forrest Ranger.

Pisces (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20):
A new IRS loophole will soon allow Pisces to legally claim lava lamps as dependents.