Your REAL Horoscopes

By a REAL person posing as an astrologer

Aries (Mar. 21 - Apr. 19):
A new year is upon us. Make a resolution not to procrastinate as your normally do. Quit your diet now, instead of waiting until the last minute.

Taurus (Apr. 20 - May 20):
Defeat the bitter cold of winter by strapping a space heater to your head. Be sure to buy an extension cord for those weekend ski trips.

Gemini (May 21 - June 21):
You will be befriended by a large pig named Virgil. Show your interest by taking him to all the finest restaurants and bars. Try to hide the fact that you are only fattening him for slaughter.

Cancer (June 22 - July 22):
Your new job as a street mime takes a turn for the worse when you get locked in your invisible box. Someone might help you out if mimes weren't so damned annoying.

Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22):
Impress the opposite sex by buying a flashy new sports car. This is just the kind of expensive toy you need to reassure yourself that you are just as cool as you always thought you were.

Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22):
If you read this horoscope backwards it says syas ti sdrawkcab epocsoroh siht daer uoy fi.

Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 23):
Tension will rise when your roommate steals your leftover pizza. Be sure to communicate your disapproval by stapling the empty box to his or her head.

Scorpio (Oct. 24 - Nov. 21):
You will be forced to fire your interior decorator when she suggests that bean bag chairs are no longer in style. Some people just don't appreciate the joys of spending the night on a big, vinyl orb.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21):
You will be selected for a medical research project wherein you eat nothing but Froot Loops and Pez for a month. In addition to the $25 you receive for being a guinea pig, you notice that you are now able to watch scrambled cable channels.

Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19):
A roundish man calling himself Neptune will chain himself to your leg, refusing to leave until the US ends its involvement in Vietnam. Distract him with M*A*S*H reruns long enough to find some mace.

Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18):
Dating a member of the army turns out better than you thought. You can make him do push-ups every time he leaves the toilet seat up, and he has to stand erect until you say, "at ease". Now you just have to get used to his playing Revile at 0500.

Pisces (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20):
Your sex life fizzles when that special someone you've been making obscene phone calls to stops accepting the charges. Next time, listen to Alyssa Milano.