Your Weekly Freud-O-Scopes

Dr. Sigmund Freud This Week: Our regular astrologer is in therapy. In his place, we bring to you the wisdom of Dr. Sigmund Freud, father of modern psychology. Your regular astrologer will return next week when he overcomes his intense fear of hand puppets.

Aries (Mar. 21 - Apr. 19):
Your parents' recent divorce makes now the perfect time to make a move on your mother.

Taurus (Apr. 20 - May 20):
A simple, yet effective way to deal with the everyday mishaps of life is to simply pretend they didn't happen. Remember: Repression is a beautiful thing.

Gemini (May 21 - June 21):
Your inability to achieve orgasm stems from a deep inner fear of chewing pencils.

Cancer (June 22 - July 22):
Write a letter to the Surgeon General stating that her condemnation of smoking stems from Penis Envy.

Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22):
An acute case of schizophrenia will require you to pay double for this session.

Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22):
You will relive your fondest childhood memories when your father backs over you with a Buick.

Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 23):
Hypnosis and electroshock therapy can cure you of the sadistic desire to name your children Oedipus and Electra.

Scorpio (Oct. 24 - Nov. 21):
The convergence of your Superego, the dualistic nature of your Id, and the ontology of man's existence will converge, resulting in your acting like a real schmuck.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21):
Your not-so-recent graduation into adulthood is a sign that it is about time you quit breast feeding.

Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19):
Psychotic women wear Freudian slips

Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18):
Your repeated dreams about White Out are a clear sign of your desire to have a sex change.

Pisces (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20):
A careless Freudian slip will result in the mention of your father's penis during your next job interview.