Your (Semi-) Weekly Horoscopes

Note: These horoscopes are not intended for pregnant women or children under 6 years of age. If your predictions do not come true within 7 days, discontinue use and consult a proper astrologer.

Aries (Mar. 21 - Apr. 19):
Your stunted growth from years of cigarette and alcohol abuse lands you the roll of Tattoo in the Fantasy Island reunion tour. Tonight: "The Plane!"

Taurus (Apr. 20 - May 20):
During an intimate dinner, you will discover that your new lover is only 13 years old. Make the best of the situation by getting a discount rate at the movie theatre.

Gemini (May 21 - June 21):
Rent a limousine to take you to work tomorrow. Tell your boss that you just won the lottery and won't consider working for less than $80,000. Tomorrow: Watch General Hospital.

Cancer (June 22 - July 22):
Study at home with Sally Struthers. In just 13 weeks, you too can be a certified air traffic controller. Be sure to have "Port" and "Starboard" tattooed to the appropriate hands before your first day at work.

Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22):
You decide that your lover takes safe sex to the extreme when you can no longer be in the same room. Try to explain that there is really no such thing as "cooties".

Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22):
The tattoos you receive as a toy surprise in your Cracker Jack box are laced with angel dust. After you recover from a bad trip, you will be able to communicate using only Pig Latin.

Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 23):
You will take a job as an assistant librarian. You will work beneath Shorkkün, the reference guru, who will enlighten you into the mystical and fascinating world of the Dewey Decimal System.

Scorpio (Oct. 24 - Nov. 21):
Spackling your roommate into a copy of Venus de Milo will brighten your entire apartment's decor. Be sure to refrigerate the arms for future artistic endeavors.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21):
Instead of renting another movie for your date tonight, try playing a rousing game of "Find the Tattoo".

Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19):
Devote your life to becoming an Olympic Mini-Golfer. Build a course in your bedroom, complete with running windmill, to allow you to practice all day and night.

Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18):
You will realize that you have been listening to the new '70's radio station too long when you feel the urge to buy a plaid leisure suit. Seek the advice of David Hasselhoff to cure you of these masochistic urges.

Pisces (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20):
You will be greatly disappointed when no one is fooled by your full size 'Fabio' tattoo.