Aries (Mar. 21 - Apr. 19):
Your inability to keep your hands to yourself will soon cost you yet another job. Why not put your compulsion to good use by becoming a licensed massage therapist? They pay is good, you'll meet lots of interesting people, and you can charge extra for "special services".
Taurus (Apr. 20 - May 20):
Have you ever heard stories about the pretty girl who sits at home every night because people are too afraid to ask her out? Well, you will soon know how that feels... except for the "pretty" part, of course.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21):
Life is all about perspective. Look at things with a positive attitude, and life will seem that much brighter. For example, that oak tree about to fall through your roof is just nature's way of providing a free skylight.
Cancer (June 22 - July 22):
Though your wish to rekindle an old flame will technically come true, the firetrucks and camera crews may cause you to choose your words more carefully next time.
Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22):
In your most recent attempt to quit smoking, you managed to go 17 whole hours without a cigarette! Why not celebrate this defeat over addiction with a nice pack of unfiltered Luckys
Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22):
New romance will take a turn for the worse when you discover your lover's extensive Vanilla Ice collection.