Your Real Horoscopes

By a Real Fake Astrologer

This week's horoscopes were brought to you by a lack of anything good on cable television.

Aries (Mar. 21 - Apr. 19):
Your inability to keep your hands to yourself will soon cost you yet another job. Why not put your compulsion to good use by becoming a licensed massage therapist? They pay is good, you'll meet lots of interesting people, and you can charge extra for "special services".

Taurus (Apr. 20 - May 20):
Have you ever heard stories about the pretty girl who sits at home every night because people are too afraid to ask her out? Well, you will soon know how that feels... except for the "pretty" part, of course.

Gemini (May 21 - June 21):
Life is all about perspective. Look at things with a positive attitude, and life will seem that much brighter. For example, that oak tree about to fall through your roof is just nature's way of providing a free skylight.

Cancer (June 22 - July 22):
Though your wish to rekindle an old flame will technically come true, the firetrucks and camera crews may cause you to choose your words more carefully next time.

Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22):
In your most recent attempt to quit smoking, you managed to go 17 whole hours without a cigarette! Why not celebrate this defeat over addiction with a nice pack of unfiltered Luckys

Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22):
New romance will take a turn for the worse when you discover your lover's extensive Vanilla Ice collection.

Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 23):
You will find an anonymous gift attached to your favorite tree. Though you cannot thank your benefactor directly, you should find some way to convey your sincere appreciation. Pointless horoscopes are always nice.

Scorpio (Oct. 24 - Nov. 21):
A feeling of childlike bliss will overcome you when you make plans to see the new Scooby Doo and Josie and the Pussycats movies on the same night. Don't forget the Scooby Snacks for nutrition.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21):
You will soon realize why most people do not purchase second-hand parachutes.

Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19):
People always tell you not to substitute food for love. Why not?? A nice, thick strawberry milkshake is always there for you and easily brings you the smile you're not getting anywhere else.

Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18):
When approaching someone of the opposite sex, be sure to steer the conversation exclusively to yourself. Not only does this help to feed your ego, but also ensures that you won't find out that the other person is actually more interesting than you are.

Pisces (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20):
While lounging in the Family Room of Life, you will sink into the Bean Bag Chair of Happiness.