Your Weekly Advert-O-Scopes

Sy Ambercrombie, Advertising Exec This Week: With the ever rising costs of astrologers, crystal balls, and tarot cards, an effort must be made to keep these horoscopes profitable. To this end, we've brought in Sy Ambercrombie, part time astrologer, full time advertising executive. He's managed to bring you the same great advice you've come to expect, while helping to bring in much needed revenue. You probably won't even notice the difference!

Aries (Mar. 21 - Apr. 19):
Lost touch with that special someone? You know you still care, but do they know? Quit stalling: Pick up your Verizon Wireless phone and give 'em a call. Remember, friendship is forever, but the "free nights and weekends" deal isn't.

Taurus (Apr. 20 - May 20):
Don't take unnecessary risks in your life. That old gas furnace in your basement is just a ticking time bomb waiting to explode. Switch to safe, dependable oil heat and you'll sleep better at night.

Gemini (May 21 - June 21):
Charlton Heston will appear to you in a dream, urging you to protect your constitutional right to bear arms.

Cancer (June 22 - July 22):
You've been making time for everyone but yourself. Keep running yourself ragged, and you'll soon burn out. A relaxing trip to Colonial Williamsburg is just what you need.

Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22):
You will meet your soulmate while fighting over the last copy of Sex for Dummies, available in paperback or hardcover.

Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22):
True love can only be found in the lumber department of your local Home Depot.

Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 23):
Salt will be thrown into an open wound when the hostess at XandO café mocks you for sitting alone on a Friday evening.

Scorpio (Oct. 24 - Nov. 21):
An appearance on a popular TV game show is in your near future. (Be sure to wave 'hi' to mom.) Though you won't quite win first prize, you will come away with a case of Turtle Wax, a year's supply or Rice-a-Roni, the San Francisco treat, and a copy of our fabulous home game.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21):
Put the spark back into your relationship. Surprise your partner with a romantic candlelit dinner, complete with music, dancing, and Sparkles® brand champagne.

Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19):
Nothing attracts the perfect mate like a sexy, nutritional milk mustache.

Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18):
Your relationship is going well, but you're not sure if you should take that next big step. Soon, you'll both hear your favorite song on the Radio. Shack up, because this is just the sign you've been waiting for.

Pisces (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20):
Your local Hooters® would like to remind you that subtlety in advertising was never its strong suit.