The Darkest Horoscopes

Aries (Mar. 21 - Apr. 19):
If life continues upon its ragged course, an earnest plea for death may be your only hope. (Note: I consider this to be one of the most beautiful things I've ever written.)

Cancer (June 22 - July 22):
Whoever said, "Time heals all wounds" never envisioned what's going to happen to you next week.

Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 23):
You will meet your one true soul mate in an elevator this week. Unfortunately, your violent sneezing fit ensures that you will never again exchange bodily fluids.

Pisces (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20):
The good news is that an end to your miserable, wretched existence may soon be in sight...